What Ned Vizzini gave me

This morning, I woke up to the news that writer Ned Vizzini had passed away at the age of 32.

Be More Chill was perhaps my first proper introduction to young adult fiction. Prior to finding this book untouched at the bottom of a shelf in a Powerbooks store in Manila, I just powered my way through Harry Potter and Nancy Drew novellas. I think I was 11 at the time.

My next encounter with Ned Vizzini's work was not until five or six years later, when I borrowed It's Kind of a Funny Story from the public library. While Be More Chill presented the ordinary loner Jeremy's actions to be driven by the desperate need to be cool, It's Kind of a Funny Story showed Craig's actions to be driven by pure, raw hope. And although Craig took the course of the entire novel to realise that, it was obvious to the reader early on.

After that, Vizzini became a favourite writer of mine. I read all of his published works, because seeing his name on the spine of an unfamiliar book, or affixed to an unheard-of title, never failed to excite me. Only a few other authors elicit the same effect.

I've been struggling with my mental health since my early adolescence, and in the past, struggling came with lengthy inner monologues that were coloured with guilt for feeling the way I felt. I had a happy childhood. I grew up in comfortable middle class living. I go to a great school! Why is this happening to me? How did I get to such a bad place?

It's Kind of a Funny Story was with me for the 28 days I was entitled to it. If it wasn't on my bedside table, I took it everywhere with me, reading and rereading. To school, to other people's houses, on public transport. Why? Because it was the first story that I've come across which showed that absolutely anyone can experience some form of mental illness.

Even teenagers who have friends, attend good schools and never had to go without in their entire lives.

I was 17 when I read this book. It was during a time when I felt like I was genuinely starting to get on top of things. When I returned It's Kind of a Funny Story to the library, I finally stopped having those inner monologues. I have Vizzini to thank for that.

Ned Vizzini
Image credit: NY Daily News Archive | Getty Images

When I heard about his death this morning, it felt like a punch to the gut. And when I discovered that the cause of death was suicide, this deep sadness overcame me. And for a man I barely knew! But he was a man whose work gave me - and no doubt, millions of other teenagers - hope.

It's Kind of a Funny Story, his most hopeful novel, starts with protagonist Craig getting himself committed to a psych ward. Things looked bleak from Craig's point of view, but I knew he wouldn't have done it if he didn't want to get better, if he didn't know that he could even think of getting better. And then my motivations for recovery began to mirror his.

Regardless of the tragic circumstances of Ned Vizzini's death, I'm always going to remember him as the man who reminded me keep looking up, to keep fighting and to keep creating. What a way to shut the demons up.